Chewing the fat

Ain't you got no true love waiting for you
Ain't you got no true love waiting
Eat city's gonna get you!
                                   'Eat City'  The Angels

Right, progress check from yesterday.

2 self hypnosis sessions, tick. Successfully managed not to reply with 'good thinking, fatwoman' when the kindest man in the world said to me 'good thinking, batman' about something in relation to lunch, tick. Kept eye on negative thought patterns, tick. Need to talk to hypno-dude about the self hypnosis and what appears to me to be a somewhat scattergun approach to what he calls 'dissociation-reintegration'. I do all right on the dissociation part (asking unconscious mind to clear out the crap) but when it comes to good stuff in as opposed to bad stuff out I get a bit panicky and start shoving all sorts of positive goodness into the old unconscious. It may not be able to cope with it after all these years of abuse haha. I think I'm being a bit positive-generic, like any positivity will do.  One for the update email he wants from me tomorrow.

Also a tad concerned about my inability to really focus in the second session, although admittedly I was knackered and knackered is rarely a state for one's finest work. I don't know if my unconscious mind is really going to benefit from me wondering whether that interview on Uruguayan radio means that Luis Suarez is going to leave Liverpool.  Damn you, wandering mind!

Today I am, and I would say somewhat ironically given the reference to Luis Suarez if it didn't happen ALL THE BLOODY TIME, spending time thinking about my eating issues. Because one of the things that has brought me to this point is being fat. Sometimes pretty fat, sometime really fat and occasionally freak show fat. You would have gathered yesterday I don't really do excuses and 'there there, you've had a tough life, no wonder dear' bullshit thinking. So I am not going to sit here and say yeah I am fat but it's because of this bad thing and this traumatic life event and therefore I should be a bit kinder to myself about my own failings, even though according to the self help gurus I probably should. Be kinder to myself, not offer excuses. Probably. Yeah, I should.

I am bloody tired of thinking about being fat and how not to be fat and my general level of self loathing connected with being fat and yet here I am again. It's the frigging 21st century and the world is full of both awesome things and real problems that deserve my attention far more than this. Excuse me a moment while I express some exasperation:

FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The aim of this current journey is to build some self confidence. I'm pretty sure the lack of self confidence led to the fat in the first instance. No love for self = no caring for self = punishing self by doing thing that will make you feel even worse because you're a piece of shit aren't you? (Note I have said that in the second person so my record of not saying negative stuff about myself since seeing hypno-dude still stands. It works for me haha.) So hopefully as my confidence increases, the fat decreases and the amount of time I think about what does and doesn't go into my gob decreases as well.  Man that will be good!!!!!!

As much as anything else I really, realllllly bloody hope that after decades of obsessing and beating myself up I can finally let fat Sandy go. I nearly added 'and forget she ever existed' but I don't really want to do that. Though I do. Though I know I shouldn't want to. But I do. But I won't because fat Sandy in all her incarnations and circus tents made me the person I am now who although yeah still fat has gained a fair bit of wisdom, compassion, empathy, humour and general awesomeness through suffering. Can't be all bad, even given the size of my arse.

See, I'm a bit into the yin and yang of the universe, nothing's completely good or completely bad. Or as a friend of mine once put it, it takes shit for roses to grow. Whenever I have been going through a crap phase (and there have been many) this thought kept me going. You never know what good things are around the corner. The fact the kindest man in the world is in my life is proof enough of that.

Fat Sandy had her place and she wasn't altogether bad but I'm grown up now (theoretically) and there's stuff I want to do and sorry love but you're not up to it and you can't come. Now let me put that bloody cheese toastie down OK. It's time to move on.