Let's start again. Hello, my name is Sandy and I am a person who has spent a large part of her life fighting her own demons. Occasionally I have succeeded and sometimes I have spectacularly failed. I don't really want to talk here about why I have demons largely cos it's got to the stage where it bores the shit out of me and what's the friggin' point? This is the point where I lose not only the people who are the same as me, but everyone who likes reading about other people's demons. I think I have now reduced my readership to potentially five people, four of who are now flicking back to check their Twitter feeds. Wey hey!
Bear with me, I do have a point, it's somewhere between my ears and will be released soon, I promise!
Not only do I have a point, I have a reason for starting this blog now and not at any other demon battling point...I've just started a new journey of self awareness (can't you hear the pan pipes) and I'd like to document it. Why, cos at this stage of my life, I need not only to battle, I need to win, and if I talk about it maybe it all starts to make sense and gel and I finally, finally get to a point where I may actually *whispers in fear of jinxing it* LIKE myself. Because I know I'm all right really, but I don't really believe it. You could say I'm a bit of a fuckup. YOU could, I can't call myself a fuckup any more because my hypno-dude will be cranky and he could be reading this so there I haven't said it sir and I now reaffirm that I am actually a damn fine human being. See, I'm learning!
My approach to self help has not always been so self-concillatory. Some people who have tragic/shitty/complicated lives blame everybody and everything else, thereby making everyone else suffer/victims of crime/really pissed off. I cannot bloody stand those people. I have compassion for them as somebody else who could be considered to have led a more or less tragic/complicated/shitty life, but I also want to beat the living shit out of them. This is because and I will put this in caps because I often do shout it LIFE CAN BE SHIT BUT HOW YOU RESPOND IS YOUR CHOICE!!!!! You don't have to become an alcoholic, or a granny basher, or a misery guts. You choose your response to everything that happens to you. You choose to accept responsibility for yourself. You choose to get bitter or get better.
This is the philosophy I live by. Got issues? How about a nice cup of harden up, princess?
As I have gotten older though I'm kind of starting to realise I've gone too far in the direction of hard. That I'm constantly beating myself up for not being stronger, better, more resilient. That the confidence that I lost and that I allowed to be taken from me isn't really going to come back if I'm constantly falling short of my own expectations of my ability to let go and move on. The self help gurus will say I need to be kinder to myself and as much as that kind of statement makes me want to spew they are right. Probably. Yeah, they're right, bugger it.
So I have found myself hypno-dude who is a hypnosis/life coachy person and not at all a hippy dippy hand wringing mung bean eating chanting incense burning freak because otherwise I a) wouldn't be working with him and/or b) would probably be arrested for strangling him. My apologies to any hippy dippy hand wringing mung bean eating chanting incense burning freaks, I mean people reading this. I don't hate you at all honestly, just sometimes I want to slap you stupid.
Hypno-dude is my weapon of choice at the moment because I don't need counselling, I don't need psychotherapy and I don't need someone to facilitate me wallowing in my own shit, particularly if I'm paying for it! I need somebody to help me push past my own barriers. First session was yesterday. So far so good. Blockages being cleared leaving a big hole in brain and putting up a sign saying 'insert good stuff here', with good stuff being inserted in the sessions and my own self hypnosis sessions which will be done daily. And will be tracking the progress in this here blog :)
I am ready to like me, to be everything I can be and help as many other people along the way as I can. I've wasted too much time on negative shit and beating myself up. Life's too short. Too short to waste and too long to regret. So here goes...............................
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