Sleepwalking

I tell myself I won't do it again, but I know I will be
Lying in my bed my thoughts racing
Like they always have been
                'Wide Awake' The Twang

I am awake. Well, that's probably self-evident, although for all you know I could have the ability to sleep type. I don't, which is fortunate. I manage to contain my mentalist rants OK when I'm awake, but gord knows what would come out of me in an uninhibited sleep state given a keyboard under the covers.  Note to self: leave the laptop downstairs!

I am awake in the middle of the night again and it's safe to say after a couple of weeks or three or four years of this I am over it.  I'm still not sure how somebody with ME can regularly have sleepless nights.  I am however sure the combination is frying my brain. You can imply an apology for lack of bloggage lately and potential upcoming massive rants from that.

While not gracing blogland for the last week and a half I have been busy trying to sort various bits of my life out while the most important bit, whether I get my permanent residency or not, hangs around in the corners like a bitter smirking relative pointing out everything that can go wrong.  The relative does have a point.  I can work my arse off trying to get signed up with the Open University and getting a stall for a Christmas craft market and thinking about part time jobs, but what's the point if I'm not going to be here? That's a lot of pointing for one paragraph and of course I am going to be here but, but, until I get the barely polite letter from the Home Office saying oh all bloody right, here's your permanent residency, how do I really know? I could be having endless debates with the Open University about my residency status for nothing. That would blow, particularly as I would lose the opportunity to strangle one of their staff. That's a whole other story probably best not told while I'm trying to convince the Home Office I don't have violent criminal tendencies.

This whole process has led to an uncomfortable discovery about myself.  I like to think of myself as this easy going, let life take you on an adventure and go with the flow kind of person.  As it turns out, I'm actually a rabid control freak.  You can tell me that handing my and the kindest man in the world's fates over to an unfeeling, uncaring bureaucracy and having no power over the outcome and feeling a tad stressed by that is a normal reaction and you're probably right but it's that feeling of loss of control over my own destiny that's doing my head in right now.

It will be all right and even if it won't be all right it will be all right because I may be a chronically fatigued insomniac with no brain right now and I don't know how the universe works really but I do know that one way or the other, sometimes with shit hitting the fan and sometimes without, that things work out for the best sooner or later. Warning, I'm about to go Zen master on your arse but some things are just true whether you want them to be or not. If you keep working towards better, shit still happens but in the end it all comes good, even if it's not the good you planned for or expected.  That much I've worked out. How not to get stressed during the 'shit happening' part I'm still working on, but I'm sure I'll get there one day.

How not to be a control freak in the face of uncertainty is another thing I need to work on but if I've just acknowledged that life is self-sorting if you let it be why do I feel the need to control everything?? Pain aversion, obviously.  Pain can be avoided, certainly, but only if you avoid everything else that makes life rich and varied and awesome.  And I want to live, dammit!! I don't want to hide in a nice safe infinitely boring corner. Best learn to take the bad with the good, knowing you can't have one without the other in any sort of life worth having. Yin and yang, woman, yin and yang!!

So life goes on, courses get signed up for, business ventures get pursued, and somehow in the middle of all this I have *looks around furtively* managed to get my eating back under control...six days and counting yeeeaaaahhh!!  I've made a decision, I'm not thinking about having lost five stone already. I'm approaching it like I've just started.  It's new and shiny and fresh and I'm not complaining about having lost so much but still having so far to go. I just have some weight to lose and every day I wake up and say right I'm eating well today and not thinking about having to do the same tomorrow, or the next day, or in two months. This particular mountain will be climbed, conquered, and danced like a loony on. It's happening.  That is all.

Self hypno has also been awesome and while the Sandy who wants instant results might be peeved slightly with what might be termed concrete progress, particularly in the weight loss arena, the holistic bodymind Sandy is bouncing and not only because of the size of my arse. It's evolution rather than revolution right now with the occasional smashing of mind walls. Can't complain at all about that. Beats devolution and despair hands down and I sense the wall smashing is leading up to something big. Could be delusion on my part but I'm still working for better and better will come one way or the other.

Life goes on. And really, it's all good.