If nobody loves you, and you're feeling like dust on an empty shelf
Just remember, you can love yourself
'Love Yourself' Keb'Mo
See, I haven't even started writing this blog yet really and I'm already questioning myself over whether I'm going to sound wanky. This must be some sort of sign that what I'm about to say is interesting and important. Or that I am wanky. The fact I'm writing a blog about my life'/struggles/mental gymnastics is kind of wanky anyway, isn't it? Or at the very least, self indulgent. The ultimate word selfie! I'll be taking photos of myself and putting them on Facebook next. Oh, hang on...
Sometimes I really wish I was one of those people who thought enough of what they had to say and contribute to society that they never apologise for saying or contributing. Admittedly a lot of those people are massive pains in the arse who overall have nothing to say or contribute that's going to do anyone any good whatsoever. But what if they say something awesome one day? What if we tell them to bloody well shut up and we miss it and it could have changed the world? I'm going through a headcloud ME phase at the moment and can't think of an example of such a person, but I know they exist. They do. Really.
All of this is leading up to what I want to actually say today (eventually) which is that my whole life I have spent waaaay, waaaay too much effort trying to fit in when what I really should have said was this is me, like it or fuck off. To myself as much as anyone. I am the ultimate questioner of self but have never really asked the most important question: why do I think it's always me who has to change?
Years and years ago I was on a plane from Melbourne to Brisbane reading an article in the inflight magazine about a famous Australian actress and getting irate and wanting to punch her because she said something along the lines of being too expansive for the world she found herself in as a teenager and having to 'halve herself and halve herself again' to fit in. The fact I am recalling this the better part of a decade later is probably enough evidence that I was getting angry not because, as I thought at the time, she was an uppity cow who needed a good slap. It was because Sandy is a halver. I am actually cringing as I type this. Annoyingly, it's not so much because of the thought of being a halver and therefore compromising myself. It's because of the thought of sounding like an uppity cow who needs a good slap.
And if I am an uppity cow who needs a good slap...what the hell does that matter really?? Seriously. I get bollocked by people anyway. What's the difference if I believe in myself or don't believe in myself or am me or not me if I still get bollocked anyway? May as well be true to myself, blue hair and all.
What's brought this all this on, well as I mentioned in an earlier blog, I am now a design student (oo er) and now find myself sharing my creative side with an actual arts community. I don't regard myself so much as an artist as a good ideas person who wants to find creative ways of expressing them. There are however seriously arty people doing this course. And that is great, but why does that lead me to the thought 'fark, another place where I'm a square peg in a round hole'?
I am cringing again now because not only I am I now exposed as a halver, I'm one of those people who just wants to fit in. But I don't. But I do. But I don't. But I do. Aaaaagggghhhh!!!!!
Actually, I don't want to fit in. I want to be invisible. I blame my real father. I didn't realise until I met him obviously, but suddenly whole facets of my personality made sense when we were sitting on his balcony in the middle of an enormous block of land and he told me he had bought acreage so he could avoid people. They scared the shit out of him. They scare the shit out of me too. Unfortunately I don't have acreage and do have regardless of blind terror of humanity an absolute passion for all the good interesting stuff in the world and sharing it and contributing to it. You see my dilemma. I want to hide but I can't. Bugger.
I don't really see myself as a square peg in a round hole either. I'm more octagonal and instead of running around trying to find square holes or force myself into round holes I should get off my arse and carve myself out a nice octagonal hole to fit in. Not half an octagon either. A whole one.
Haters gonna hate, but hopefully, one day, the hater that gonna hate me won't be me. Hypno-dude told me a while back that I need to unleash my individuality and I told him the world probably isn't ready for it yet. It probably isn't. I'm probably not entirely ready to not halve myself either, honestly. But I need to. So best get on to it.
No comments:
Post a Comment