War! What is it good for?

I've spent too many years at war with myself
The doctor has told me it's no good for my health
To search for perfection is all very well
But to look for heaven is to live here in hell
                        'Consider Me Gone' Sting

Forgive me bloggies for I have sinned, it is several weeks since my last confession. It's just as well I gave the Catholic thing up when I was about 11 or I would be up to my arse in Hail Marys right now and that I can assure you is a place I don't want to be. Apologies to my Catholic friends for whom Mary is a comfort.  I don't have anything against her personally, I just don't see the point in asking her to do stuff for me, particularly when I'm capable of getting off my own arse and doing it myself.

The truth of the matter is that I have been living and debating too much in my own head to get the thoughts out in a blog, and that's pretty much another place I don't want to be.  I'm not saying it has been a bad few weeks, there's been plenty going on and plenty to be proud of. Plenty to be fucking annoyed at too, but hey ho that's life innit? But along with being overall pretty happy at how life is panning out, I have been more or less at war with me and my own perception of where I should and could be, if I just tried harder. Because that would solve everything, wouldn't it? Apparently.

I don't really do self-acceptance that well and by that I mean I despise what I see as my own weaknesses and this, if I think too much about it, can lead me to despise me...add that one to the list of places I don't want to be, along with Mary and in my head and North Korea and places where they don't sell Vegemite or at least allow you to carry it in your hand baggage.  I'm quite tolerant of other people's weaknesses, some would say empathetic and forgiving.  Haven't quite got the hang of doing the same for me. But then I'm not worth it, am I? I am, I know I am, plenty of people whose opinions I trust say that I am. I am. But I'm not. But I am. Maybe.

You start to see where the war theme is coming from. Tomorrow, when I'm not feeling so crapped off with myself, I will change my mind but today I reckon I should change my name to Afghanistan because it's a good name for a region where internal conflict never seems to bloody well cease. They could call me Stan for short, or Afghan when I was wearing a fluffy coat. Or Bloody Idiot for wanting to change my name to Afghanistan because I can't sort my own shit out. Aaaaaggghhhhhhh!!

Right, let's talk positives for a minute. In the last month, I have increased my fitness through loads of walking, my diet has improved nutrition-wise, I've started studying design and it's interesting and engaging. No idea where it's taking me currently, but it's expanding my mind. I no longer have the stress of the Home Office hounding me out of the country. Husband and dog love me and the cat tolerates me as long as I feed her promptly. Well, to be fair, she probably loves me but it's hard to tell with cats. Or is that just Cara?

Negatives: probably as a result of increased activity the ME has been biting pretty hard and it's fucking me right off. I'm constantly having to duck and weave around symptoms to get things done at the moment.  I missed being in Australia to celebrate my best friend's milestone birthday and was crushed about that and massively homesick as a byproduct. Eased off to just homesick now. Would really, really like to go back to Aus for a visit but not sure when we can afford it.

And the negative which is probably fucking me off the most, not because it's worse or more important than any of the above (because it's not) is despite training for a walking half marathon and eating good food and watching portion sizes my weight is up and down like a friggin' yo-yo. Still. Have been losing and gaining the same three or four pounds for ages. To be fair my weight has been pretty stable for a long time and that's progress for me but not the progress I really want. Pah!!

Is it just that my weight seems to be the barometer for my life? My mood and optimism are up and down at the moment. Scales are reflecting it. Not so hard to understand really, but, sorry I have to shout this because I am really bloody frustrated with myself right now I AM FUCKING SMARTER THAN THIS, WHY HAVE I NOT GOT PAST MY OWN FUCKING DEMONS BY NOW???!!!!!!!

That's it, that's why it's pissing me off so much.  There, in numbers, is the proof that despite years of effort and work and tears and anger, I still really don't have my shit together. That's what's getting on my tits really. I would really like to think that at some point all my efforts at trying to improve my headspace and my life would result in someday not having the headspace or life issues that brought me here in the first place.  I'm probably all the more frustrated because I do believe it can happen. I believe in the power of people to massively change their lives. I even still believe it can happen for me.

But if I am putting effort into change, working on it, believing in it...why is it taking so fekkin' long??? Faaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkk!!!!

This is where the self help gurus talk about living in the moment and acceptance and self love and shit like that. Well all right, it's not shit but I'm really glandy and sore and tired today so they can say it but probably better if they phone me rather than turn up at my door because they might get punched. Put that in your mantra and smoke it!

Last weekend I had one of those illuminating but disturbing moments when you realise how far you have to go. People who have read my earlier posts would acknowledge that while I can be regarded as a tad unhinged I have at least been putting a fair effort in trying to improve myself and my life. Thought I was doing all right too.  And I am really, but I think it finally hit me on the weekend how low my sense of self worth really is. Call me dumb, but it shocked me. At the intellectual level, I acknowledge my own value, brilliance, individuality and all the other shit self help gurus go on about. At the soul level...I still have some serious work to do. Hence all the sooky la-la above.

I sometimes wonder whether the ME was the universe's seemingly crap gift that stripped everything away so I could see where I really was and start again. Grinding fatigue has this way of taking everything back to the bare bones.  Maybe I needed the current dip to take stock and see where the next battle is. Or being tired and sore is making me delirious and talk bollocks, I'm not sure which.

Either way...war sucks and I am over it. I'm a pacifist at heart. Just need to remember that losing one battle or even four or five or 182 doesn't mean losing the war. No excuses, no surrender!!!!