Eeeeeeekk!!!

Scary monsters and super creeps
Keep me running, running scared
             'Scary Monsters' David Bowie

What evil bastard invented Kit Kat Chunkies anyway, and why are they so cheap when they appear to be made from pure crack coated in chocolate? I don't know but I do know that I'm a bit stressed and I made the mistake of going into Iceland on an innocent quest for crumpets and came out with crumpets and said chocolate coated crack. The crumpets are in the kitchen.  As for the Kit Kat Chunkies, only the wrappers remain. Thank the non-existent deity they didn't have the packs of seven in...

So after not looking at my phone all day yesterday (a common event when I'm home) I check it out late last night and there's a voicemail from the place I applied for a job at a couple of weeks back in my conquering scary shit quest. I phoned them back this morning. They want me to come for an interview. How the hell did that happen?!

If you are smart and all my readers are you have probably worked out the Kit Kat-job interview connection and so have I. Didn't stop me eating them, unfortunately. I did self hypno before calling about the interview to try and install some Zen calm.  It says something about my level of confidence that I needed to self hypno just to call and confirm that they actually wanted me to come for an interview and when. Hey ho, that why I'm on this wonderous self help journey innit! I may be a whackjob and currently a nervous wreck but at least I'm working on better and better is definitely happening.  I'm just not sure it will happen enough by two o'clock on Thursday when I have this interview.

I had to go trawling former employer's websites for examples of my work this morning and I am at least encouraged that I was able to do it and download what I needed without breaking into a rash. Yay for progress! As I've said previously, my departure from my last job was a tad fraught and when I say a tad I mean a fuckload.  It's done and gone now and I've just proven there are other opportunities out there, haven't I? So we move on, preferably without looking over our shoulders and screaming.

I'm reasonably smart and talented and innovative and therefore am employable by somebody somewhere, right? Right. So even if this one doesn't come off, it doesn't matter. Right? Right.

Over the years I have had loads of conversations with the kindest man in the world about the basically fucked Western concept of personal worth, i.e. your worth is in what you do, what you own, what you earn, what you produce.  Here's a novel concept: how about your worth being the fact you are human and alive and able to contribute positively to other people's lives in ways that don't involve money or prestige? You could say that's the rantings of someone who hasn't worked for four years and you could be right. But I could be right too. Think about it.

I don't want a job to prove that I'm worth something, yet somehow it's so easy to fall back into that trap of if I stuff this interview up that somehow makes me a lesser human being.  All it makes me really is somebody who didn't get a job, which in this economic climate makes me one of millions.  Need to remember that if I stuff it up.  I'm only saying if, not when.  I may just pull it off. There's going to be some serious self hypno for confidence done in the next couple of days, but I may just pull it off.

Walking training for Miles for Macmillan is going great with an hour to an hour and a half's walking being done nearly every day and I'm starting to feel really good for it, fitter and tighter. Have done enough this week to burn off the Kit Kat Chunkies so some mercy does remain in the universe.

I got so wrapped up in my slapping myself out of wallowing on the weekend that I forgot to mention a most bizarre event that happened Saturday morning i.e. I didn't eat coffee cake.  Not only did I not eat coffee cake, or want coffee cake, I saw the coffee cake in front of me and didn't think about it much one way or the other.  People who have a sane relationship with food aren't going to understand but for Sandy this is huge. The eating disordered or troubled person sees coffee cake and either thinks I'm going to have this but I shouldn't then eats it and feels like shit, or they have a massive internal fight to reject the cake, don't eat it and still feel like shit. It is an eternal battle.

On Saturday I just looked at the cake, thought nah and walked away.  What kind of strange magic is that? I didn't even want to punch the kindest man in the world when he bought a slice and ate it in front of me. What the hell?!

I may have eaten the Kit Kat crack today, but overall dealing with food is definitely getting easier, less fraught and less likely to make me feel like the hugest fattest failure to walk the earth. The self help malarkey is definitely kicking in.  Life gets that bit better day by day, even when the scary shit (first job interview in five years) crops up. And for that I am grateful.