Weighty issues

You want to be free?
Then don't speak like a slave to me
               'No Speak No Slave' The Black Crowes

I don't want to say it too loud in case I jinx it, but I am *looks around furtively and whispers* back on the Weight Watchers path of righteousness. I've been on track for a whole week now.  I won't say success just yet. This is where hypno-dude goes butch on my arse and tells me to remember I am awesome, or something and I go hmmm. Man, I'm going to get in trouble for that when I see him next.  The kindest man in the world isn't going to be too thrilled either.

I am awesome! I've lost five stone and kept it off for over a year while battling many and varied demons and chronic illness and my own body, which even last year when I was a saintly Weight Watcher didn't shed a gram for about six months. Massive plateau or head games or both? Not sure but either way it is bloody demoralisng. Because losing five stone isn't enough, apparently. Well obviously it isn't enough, I still have another five stone to lose but it isn't enough in so many other ways.  I may have lost five stone but all the world sees is a woman who is still fat. You can't be a success until you have lost every last gram and sworn to eat lettuce for eternity as penance for inflicting your heftiness on yourself and the world. That's what all the magazines say and they must be right.

The magazines are of course bullshit and the way women are presented in the media is bullshit and the fact I still consider myself a failure after losing five stone is also bullshit. I am an intelligent woman, for fuck's sake, but unfortunately being intelligent doesn't necessarily give you the wherewithal to deflect the masses of bullshit out there about women and the way they 'should' be.  Even the Weight Watchers magazine contributes to this - the cover girls (never blokes) have almost invariably never lost more than a couple of stone.  They give most of their airplay to the 'normal' fatties while the freaky fatties who have lost eight and ten stone get relegated to the back pages. You have to despair when even Weight Watchers is fattist.

Neo-feminist ranting aside, I suspect the months of fruitless saintliness, which led me to go a bit deeper than what was going in my gob and ultimately to hypno-dude, was one of those gifts from the universe wrapped in a big pile of shite because here I am now ok not thinner but dwelling in a much brighter and calmer headspace. There is more being resolved in my life now than the inability to look good in jeans.  This is a good thing.  But I'm still fat. But it's a good thing. But I'm still fat. It's a good thing!!! What would I prefer, fat and well adjusted or thin and unhinged? Probably best to ask me later but I am more than willing to accept what's gone on between my ears my whole life has more impact on my weight than what's gone in my gob.

Eventually I would like to not only be thin but well adjusted enough not to be thinking about food my whole bloody life and I do believe it's possible.  Hypno-dude isn't a massive fan of Weight Watchers but the reason I chose it above the other eight billion weight loss plans on offer is that it seemed to be the one most likely to allow me to learn to deal with food in a normal way.  You can just eat normal things but in a portion controlled way, not eat freaky diet food or drink nuclear fission shakes or inject kelp and mung beans three times a day. It must have taught me something because I'm still five stone down despite not dieting at all really for the last few months. I'll give myself a 'success!!' on that one.

In the meantime I'm just happy to be eating normal food in a relatively normal way again, not inhaling Vegemite sandwiches for stress relief.and feeling like shite. If this self help malarkey achieves nothing more than that it's worth it. I'm aiming for more, of course, but it's a good start.

Hard question time and I asked a friend of mine this a while ago so I can't not ask it of myself.  How do I learn to love me, even if I don't lose any more weight? What if five stone is it? That's a Sandy hypothetical, not Sandy throwing in the towel.  I'm not giving up, just asking the question.  Am I still a worthwhile human being, even if I never lose another ounce?  Obviously the answer is yes.

So let's start treating oneself like and thinking like a worthwhile human being, shall we? All right then. Let's move on.