Giddy up!

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
Thanks for making me a fighter
              'Fighter' Christina Aguilera

I have only one word to say today and that word is 'wheeeeeeeeeee'. Is wheeeeeeeee a word? Never mind, it is in my book and that's what counts. Have I suddenly become Gen Y or younger and completely uncaring about what constitutes proper English? No. All the same...wheeeeeeeeeeee!

Today Sandy is very tired and massively dizzy.  Hello ME my old friend, you've come to mess me up again!

I fear the last week has caught up with me. Actually I don't fear it. I have gone through most of the gamut of emotions over the last few years since I was first diagnosed and fear has certainly featured quite a bit, along with despair, sorrow, rage and general pissed offness.  Hmmm, another made up word.  Never mind, it's a sign of creativity apparently. Like clomnintigginess.  That may not actually mean anything, but it's creative and that's what counts, apparently. Get me, I'm an artist!

I am also a raving loony today for which I can only apologise but never fear I am a relatively happy one. Or I think I am, I'm too tired and giddy to be sure. Anyway, I don't fear the last week has caught up with me. It's just caught up with me. And it's all right.

It hasn't completely stopped the despair, sorrow, rage and pissed offness but these days I am less likely to fight these kind of days the way I used to. This is partly because trying to fight them got me nowhere except in the shit with my former employers and eventually pensioned off....a process which made me realise trying to fight it actually made it worse.  It turned a bad day into a bad week, a bad month, a bad year and ill health retirement. Post the pensioning off bad days can still quite easily be turned into bad weeks. There's a lesson there. Fighting is not always the way to beat something.

Am I saying don't fight or learn to fight smart? I'm too fucked up today to be sure but there is wisdom to be shared here and I'm sure I'll find it eventually. Patience everyone!

I am both annoyed and attracted by the Buddhist philosophy of accepting suffering rather than fighting it in the hope it enlightens you or at least stops you from wanting to beat the shit out of something. Annoyed because it goes against my and the Western world in general's philosophy that the harder you fight, the more likely you are to win. Attracted because experience has taught me that willy-nilly fighting not only doesn't always work, it takes a lot out of you, making you less able to fight the next battle. And there's always another friggin' battle, trust me.

I've got it now, I'm trying to say fight smart, is what I'm trying to say. Adjust what you mean by fight. Today I am fighting the ME by sleeping in, resting, taking it easy in the knowledge that what that means is I might feel better tomorrow or the next day, as opposed to next week or 2017. Health by stealth!

In accepting where I am today and not beating myself up because of what I can't do, a better tomorrow is a possibility rather than a dream. It gives me a chance to fight harder as well as smarter another day. It means I'm not a pissweak failure but a work in progress.

And better a work in progress than tired, cranky, pissed off and despairing.

Wheeeeeeeeee!!