Revelations

'I've got a song that I can sing
If I fail to sing it and my soul be lost
Ain't nobody's fault but mine'
              'Nobody's Fault But Mine'   Blind Willie Nelson

Ah, the twists and turns of the psyche.  After my big rant yesterday about not being able to hide and not wanting to hide, I proceeded to stuff my face...which says there is a big chunk of me that still wants to hide. Bloody awesome. Still, nobody said the road to well adjusted was easy. Back to work.

That's all you can do, isn't it? Get back to work, I mean.  What's your alternative? Go backwards? Stay maladjusted? Moan about what you could have done or been? Fuck that. I don't know how it happened but somehow, despite all the odds,  I've managed to get to this stage of life with hope left in my heart that I can do better and be better. There's a reason for that, I'm sure. If nothing else, the fact I'm a nosy cow makes me want to keep working so I can find out what.

We all want the bloody magic wand though don't we? Somebody to come along and say there there dear, let me fix it. To absolve ourselves of  responsibility for ourselves and our actions. It's all too hard. There's too much to do. I'm not up to it. Boo freakin' hoo, I'm a sooky la-la, I can't be arsed to do anything but feel sorry for myself. Harden up!!  You're better than that!!

Apart from anything else, what if you used the energy you used in wallowing to do something constructive? Self pity is not the easy way out. It is fucking hard work. Changing your life is work. If you have to work, why not work at something positive and see where it takes you?

What I SHOULD have done yesterday when looking for a place to hide was not bury myself in the bread bin. Should have self hypnoed for one.  Didn't think of it in the heat of the moment. Eating is the reflex action of decades. That's not an excuse, it's a statement of fact but it needs to change and it will. Probably something to work on with the self hypno where I tell the unconscious mind what it needs to do when I'm feeling threatened.  (Why do I call it 'the' unconscious mind? It's mine innit?)

There's your magic wand. It's called thinking things out and acting positively on them.  Look at me, I'm my own fairy godmother!

In the end, what do you learn if all your problems are magically taken from you by something or someone else? I don't want to be like one of those lotto winners who wind up with millions and then piss it all up because they don't know how to deal with it. When I get skinny and well adjusted, I want to stay skinny and well adjusted. I don't want to keep making the same mistakes over and over until I learn what I was supposed to in the first place. Note to the lotto gods: this does not mean you shouldn't give me millions.  I promise I won't spend it all on handbags and vodka.

Today is Father's Day in the UK. Neither Stormin' Norman or John-boy (my adoptive and birth fathers respectively) are around these days and I know we had our moments fellas but I do know this, you both did the best you knew how to do. And for that I thank you, wherever you may be x