Brand me slightly dubious

I know much smarter men have never got this far
                                'Monsoon' Robbie Williams

Went into town today and had a crack at the 'positive body language' malarkey that hypno-dude suggested to me last week.  Decided to start simply by trying not to be so conscious that I'm squinty and limpy and currently sporting a really bad hairdo. Seriously, it needs work. I'm getting it sorted out this Thursday. Major zhoozing required!

Managed to walk a little taller, shoulders a bit further back and didn't feel squinty or limpy. Success!

I probably need somebody objective to tell me if it's actually the case but I think I do manage to project confidence a fair bit of the time. Not feel it certainly, but project it. Or maybe I kid myself into thinking I do, because otherwise I may not get out the front door. I'm well past the serious agoraphobia of my twenties, where I went through a stage of being almost literally too scared to go out of my bedroom, but it still bites me on the arse every now and then. If I don't get out often enough it can get harder and harder to do it so part of my harden up routine is to force myself out the door when I'm starting to get a bit jittery about it, which seems to keep it under control. I don't really kid myself that I could never go back to the bedroom-lurking days. I won't, but I could.

I know I rant about hippy dippy attitudes but there's enough of the egalitarian hippy in me to be slightly pissed off that projecting confidence matters.  I'm sure it's a direct result of having been judged on my appearance (ie fatness) my whole fucking life but I absolutely refuse to judge anybody's worth on how they look, dress or present themselves. Except for myself, of course, that's different innit. Apparently. The kindest man in the world has massive issues about being bald and having skin problems.  I couldn't care less. That man's heart  is more beautiful than the lushest head of hair or porcelain-like skin in the world. It's the person that matters, not how well the package is wrapped. Except for me. I do realise the hypocrisy there.

Another thing that gets my hackles up is this concept of 'personal branding'. I understand why people want to do it, particularly in a world more and more driven by image, but by the same token  it makes me despair for humanity.  The cynic in me also says it's a really, really good way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear. I worked in marketing and communications for a while, mainly promoting government initiatives and programmes.  Let me tell you, I made some friggin' beautiful silk purses out of some incredibly manky sow's ears. They were still bloody sow's ears. As the Americans like to say, you can't polish a turd.

But, and I am literally scewing up my face as I type this, maaaaaaaaybe branding yourself wonderful isn't so bad.  I suspect that ultimately it's better for one's psyche that what I've been doing, which is branding myself shit. It wasn't deliberate but it was the natural consequence of walking around thinking and saying that I am shit, thereby projecting the message 'I am shit'.

All those silk purses out there may actually be sow's ears but at least they attempt to like themselves and think they're worth something. Is that bad? It's better than what I'm being doing to myself. Innit?

I keep going on about contributing to the world but part of what's brought me to this journey of self discovery was the realisation that branding myself shit doesn't only affect me.  It's affected everybody I could have helped, encouraged, made laugh and inspired had I not been so tied up in bloody knots with my own insecurities. For that, world, I am sorry. I'll make it up to you eventually.