'Complicated' Avril Lavigne
Occasionally, I am awed at how incredibly simple it is to overcomplicate something. You go looking for this finely honed, well thought out solution to an issue and then it suddenly hits you that you are overthinking it in spades. Today's great revelation is this. I don't need to fret about how I split up my self hypno between self confidence and weight loss. I am meant to be doing 2 self hypno sessions a day. I can....gasp........spend one session a day on each!!!!!!!!!
Absolute freakin' genius. Both things get covered adequately and also encourages me to do both sessions every day! I am a self help goddess!!
When you are facing big, complicated issues in your life it is so easy to think that the solution also has to be big and complicated. Sometimes, it's just a matter of looking at things differently. I talked a few days ago about interpretation and perspective and they've been bouncing around in the back of my head since like a couple of annoying beach balls, but really the way you perceive things determines both your quality of life and the way you work through things. Or indeed, IF you work through things. There have been plenty of times where my perspective on things has paralysed me to the point of not being able to do anything.
What the hell is the point of that? Your own mind jamming up under stress, I mean. I have done it many, maaaaany times and fairly recently I might add. You know you have to move on, change, evolve and yet your own perception of what that might mean terrifies you and by you I mean me. I may not like it, but at least I own it.
At least one of my weight loss issues has been not being able to drop beyond a certain point (i.e. where I am now). You could say this is due to physiology or my abiding love of cheese but part of it is definitely fear. I've never really been below this weight in my adult life. Who is that skinny person I'm trying to be? Will I like her? Will she be a bitch? Fat Sandy is bloody terrified of her, really. Fat Sandy needs to go and do one but you see what I mean.
Realistically, how bad can Skinny Sandy be but it's the unknown innit. Loss of identity, even though I don't particularly care to be identified as that huge loud chick. Loss of protection, like fat protects you from anything other than cold and I'm not a bloody Eskimo am I! And........................OK this is the first time I have admitted this in public, so be gentle with me. Loss of excuses. Fat Sandy has reasons for being a pathetic loser, because she can't even control what goes in her own gob, the stupid cow. Skinny Sandy has no excuses. She's just who she is. She can achieve whatever she wants to achieve. She doesn't have limits.
That woman scares the living shit out of me.
I want to be her, but I don't think I can live up to her standards. Does that make sense?
So there you have it, I am a fucking nutcase obviously but at least a moderately self aware one. Now how do we move on from here? Because I am over being frozen in my own insecurities. One thing chronic illness teaches you is how much of your life is wasted on bullshit, and living like this, frankly, is bullshit. You owe it to yourself to grab hold of every good thing in life and run with it, not eye it with suspicion and fear and wonder what the hell to do with it. And by you I mean me. And you.
There is no confusion here, I want to change and I will change, and Skinny Sandy isn't just a scary enigma. She is me, minus the bullshit. And I can't wait to meet her.
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