Anger management

Sometimes I wonder what all these chemicals are doing to my brain
Doesn't worry me enough to stop me from doing it again
                               'The Nips Are Getting Bigger' Mental As Anything

Hello, my name is Sandy and I am not an alcoholic. Today however, I am massively, massively hung over.  How the hell did that happen? I mean, I know how it happened but I don't really do massive hangovers. I have a foolproof plan for avoiding them which involves only drinking vodka and soda. Usually works a treat but I had no soda water to take to our friends the Lambretta King and his missus' place last night. Wound up taking light cranberry juice instead.  See, it's the bloody fruit, not the third of a bottle of vodka!

As a result it's now about three in the afternoon and no I have not done my self hypno today yet because I was in bed until about two feeling really good as long as I didn't attempt to move. Normal service will resume  shortly I am sure. I would say I'm never going to drink again but I'm Australian and to speak such heresy may result in me being thrown out by the immigration authorities when I try and go back. I'm sure I saw an episode of 'Nothing To Declare' where that happened.

Progress report from yesterday. One self hypno session done and quite productively I think, but need to work out a way to alert the kindest man in the world when I'm doing it because he'll wander past and start having a chat, disturbing the aura of Zen calm I've worked so hard to develop.  Maybe I need to hang a sign around my neck.  It's not as simple as just telling him 'I'm going to self hypno now, please bugger off' as it may be he's just come down from having a sleep and I'm not going to wake him up to tell him stuff unless it's about something really important, like football scores or Thatcher dying. Also can't say 'if my eyes are shut just walk on' as he's partially sighted and sometimes can't tell. Need to get my thinking cap on about this one.

When I saw hypno-dude last Tuesday, one of the things he asked me was if I had a lot of anger and I've been pondering this one for the last few days.  I don't regard myself as an angry person. This may be a tad delusional on my part. I get angry at myself for allowing things in my life to crush my self esteem and occasionally lead me to eat my body weight in crisps.  I get very angry at stupidity, and given the current state of the world and the number of fucktards that are given air time these days that is a shitload of stuff to get angry at.  My friends on Facebook are used now to me ranting about the stupid actions of governments, the EDL, Justin Bieber, moronic opinions about immigrants and people who are threatened by marriage equality.  Gay marriage threatens the institution? Fucking spare me. Think of an argument against it that isn't based in fear, ignorance or religious superstition and I will still disagree with you but at least you've thought it through intellectually rather than dribbling biased shit.

Had better stop that train of thought before it turns into another rant haha but yes I do get angry and I sometimes wonder whether it's a way of deflecting my own crappy self esteem. Yes I am passionate about social justice, inequality and wanting to shoot Simon Cowell before he inflicts any more shit music on the world, but in some ways those things are a lot safer to get angry about than thinking about the hole I've dug for myself and getting angry as hell that I didn't put my energy into something more productive.

The problem, if you can call it that, with assuming responsibility for your own big pile of poo is that you can't blame anyone else.  I don't want to blame anybody else for my pile of poo, and I will not blame anyone else for my pile of poo. My life, my responsibility, end of.  But if I don't want to blame anyone else...why am I so happy to blame me? Aren't I worthy of the same respect I give other people? Other than members of the EDL and Justin Bieber, of course. I can't respect morons.

I don't want to be angry with me because it's yet another waste of time and energy in pursuit of happy well adjusted Sandy and frankly more than enough time and energy has been wasted in that regard. All it does is get me deeper into the cycle of self beating uppage and that's one particular roller coaster I am frigging desperate to get off.. Lesson for the day, accept damage done to self without judgement. Can't change the past, but can work towards a better tomorrow.